Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
