Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
even my farts smell like vagina
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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