Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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