drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
