Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
