Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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