i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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