worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
