Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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