I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need a beard to bite.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
