Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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