Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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