WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
