I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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