I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
