Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
