It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
