I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
