Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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