i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
