watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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