I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
