She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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