my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
