i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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