the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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