I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
ttyl tear gas
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
