We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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