Sorry, I don't speak sober.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Randomize
