You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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