Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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