Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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