I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
