I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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