Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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