Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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