Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
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I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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