Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
