...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
