The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
