I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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