I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
