I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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