just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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