No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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