If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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