I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
