I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again