My Higher Power is John Stamos
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Im part way to drunk.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
