remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
