I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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