yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
