we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
