Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
