we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
