mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
