I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
