so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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