how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
