I have demons in me.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
