If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
