The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
