she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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